Hi, my name is Natalie and I have an eating disorder.
There, I said it. It feels so weird to see those words finally written down but it needs to come out.
I’ve never really talked to anybody about my problems with eating and food, mostly through fear that they won’t really understand it and saying those 5 words out loud feels impossible. I’m just me, eating disorders are things that happen to other people, not me? I don’t starve myself, I don’t force myself to be sick or take laxatives to control my weight. I do the complete opposite, I binge. I’m not just talking about having a few sneaky biscuits in the evening or maybe an extra packet of crisps because I was feel a bit naughty, I really, really binge. It’s like I’m not really in control of myself when it happens and before I know it; 10 biscuits, 2 bits of cake, 4 spoons of chocolate spread, a bag of crisps or two and a piece of toast saturated in butter have all passed my lips in around 5-10 minutes. I’d specifically purchase food to purge on when I knew I’d be on my own, but usually these things would be devoured in the car io the way home leaving me searching for my next fix when I got back. Every ounce of willpower seems to escape me in these moments.
I know it doesn’t sound like your regular idea of an eating disorder and for years I convinced myself I was just greedy and had no control, until I realised hiding wrappers and making excuses for where something has gone isn’t entirely normal. One day I Googled ‘binge eating’ and the first page to come up was an NHS page for Binge Eating Disorder, also known by it’s acronym BED.
This was an actual disorder? The description definitely sounded like me, could I really have an eating disorder though?
For the next year this played in my mind every time I had a binge session this thought played on my mind. Do I have a problem? Maybe I should talk to somebody?
Fast forward to May 2015 and I feel like I’m at my worst yet. I hate the way I look at the moment, I’m pretty sure I’m at my heaviest yet, I can’t fit into half my summer clothes and I just feel in a vicious cycle. The more I hate myself the more I eat and in turn the more I hate myself! I feel pretty out of control with a few aspects of my life right now and I think somewhere in my crazy little mind the one thing I can control is the giant Dairy Milk bar I have just devoured in the car on my way home.
This week I decided to find some forums and blogs for other people who suffering from Binge Eating Disorder, after reading through some of them I saw and cried! Every one of these people wrote things that were exactly how I felt which is what brings me to starting this blog. I’m not looking to give advice or become some kind of ED guru, yeesh I barely know what I’m going through myself or why most days! I’m looking to use this as my own cathartic method or getting out how I feel and hopefully sharing my experiences with other BED people. It’s not something I have spoken about with friends or family. I just don’t know if they’d get it. I love my husband, I really do, but he doesn’t understand mental health issues or issues with food. He works in a job that requires him to be physically fit for and also provides him with ample opportunities to work out. He thinks losing weight is as simple as exercising to burn the calories of the food you’ve eaten and just not eating too much chocolate/fatty foods. He really can’t comprehend that somebody would have these urges.
So for now, this is my place to out pour! I apologise in advance, I’m a bit of a rambler!