Living with Ed *contains some explicit language*

I know I said in my last post that I didn’t want this blog to be all about my, you know, *whispers* eating issues. However it is a big part of me and deserves some coverage at the start of this blog.

I still struggle to say the words ‘eating disorder’ even typing them makes me pause. A friend of mine refers to it as ED when talking and blogging about it. I’m never sure if she was referring to it as E.D or as Ed, like this arsehole of a guy, but I liked it and it stuck with me.

So what is it like living with Ed? Ed can be a bit of a dick.

He hits you when your down.
He takes control of every situation.
He makes you think he’s your friend, but really he’s not.

You know when you’re at a party and you just want to chat to friends and nonchalantly nibble at the buffet? Well Ed is like that friend who gets a bit drunk and then you have to take care of. Suddenly the evening is spent thinking about Ed and Ed controlling you.

Ed really is a wanker.

 

 

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20 Facts About Me

I thought, as a little insight to me, I’d share 20 random facts about myself, some informative, some probably pretty random!

I’d love to see your 20 facts!

1) I’m petrified of feathers and things that flap. I can handle ducks, parrots and penguins as long as they don’t flap near me. Loose feathers and chickens though…. 😦

2) I no longer have a gallbladder.

3) I was selectively mute for almost the whole of my first year at primary school.

4) I’m married and have 2 boys, 1 cat and 1 dog.

5) I am awful at maths, the mere thought of having to calculate the cost of splitting something sends me into a panic.

6) I love to do lists. I have a list for everything; work, personal life, going away. The satisfaction of ticking something off is amazing.
7) When I was younger I wanted to be an author, then a vet, then an author again.
I had a bit of a thing about being a tennis player because I liked the outfit, despite having no interest or talent in tennis.

8) I spend far too much time on Pinterest and have ideas that involve Waashi Tape for almost every room in my house.

9) I once worked out with Mr Motivator in a tent at a festival.

10) I’ve moved house 16 times.
(it used to excite me, it now pains me!)

11) I love Grease 2 and know all the words to the songs

12) I went to Vegas for our honeymoon

13) I pretty much relate something to “That time on Friends when…” on a weekly basis and always quote things from the show.

14) I have stupid UK 6.5 size feet. 6s in heels are too tight, 7s are too big and I walk like a 3 year old in their mum’s heels. 6.5 heels are never really 6.5

15) (Starting to struggle!) I’m a Sagittarius. I think I fit the profile for a Saggie.

16) I’m naturally really shy. However people never see this (as I’ve got older). I think I over compensate for it at times.

17) I’m not really girly, I want to get my nails done, but also drive fast cars and set fire to stuff.

18) I’ive suffered from eczema since a toddler and it’s never really gone away

19) I wish I could sing. I love to sing but I’m about as good at singing as toddlers are tidying.

20) I nearly threw up behind Prince William when suffering from morning sickness when pregnant with my first born.

I’d love to hear yours, so please share!

Nat x

 

 

First things first…

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have an eating disorder.

There, I said it. It feels so weird to see those words finally written down but it needs to come out.

I’ve never really talked to anybody about my problems with eating and food, mostly through fear that they won’t really understand it and saying those 5 words out loud feels impossible. I’m just me, eating disorders are things that happen to other people, not me? I don’t starve myself, I don’t force myself to be sick or take laxatives to control my weight. I do the complete opposite, I binge. I’m not just talking about having a few sneaky biscuits in the evening or maybe an extra packet of crisps because I was feel a bit naughty, I really, really binge. It’s like I’m not really in control of myself when it happens and before I know it; 10 biscuits, 2 bits of cake, 4 spoons of chocolate spread, a bag of crisps or two and a piece of toast saturated in butter have all passed my lips in around 5-10 minutes. I’d specifically purchase food to purge on when I knew I’d be on my own, but usually these things would be devoured in the car io the way home leaving me searching for my next fix when I got back. Every ounce of willpower seems to escape me in these moments.

I know it doesn’t sound like your regular idea of an eating disorder and for years I convinced myself I was just greedy and had no control, until I realised hiding wrappers and making excuses for where something has gone isn’t entirely normal. One day I Googled ‘binge eating’ and the first page to come up was an NHS page for Binge Eating Disorder, also known by it’s acronym BED.

This was an actual disorder? The description definitely sounded like me, could I really have an eating disorder though?

For the next year this played in my mind every time I had a binge session this thought played on my mind. Do I have a problem? Maybe I should talk to somebody?

Fast forward to May 2015 and I feel like I’m at my worst yet. I hate the way I look at the moment, I’m pretty sure I’m at my heaviest yet, I can’t fit into half my summer clothes and I just feel in a vicious cycle. The more I hate myself the more I eat and in turn the more I hate myself! I feel pretty out of control with a few aspects of my life right now and I think somewhere in my crazy little mind the one thing I can control is the giant Dairy Milk bar I have just devoured in the car on my way home.

This week I decided to find some forums and blogs for other people who suffering from Binge Eating Disorder, after reading through some of them I saw and cried! Every one of these people wrote things that were exactly how I felt which is what brings me to starting this blog. I’m not looking to give advice or become some kind of ED guru, yeesh I barely know what I’m going through myself or why most days! I’m looking to use this as my own cathartic method or getting out how I feel and hopefully sharing my experiences with other BED people. It’s not something I have spoken about with friends or family. I just don’t know if they’d get it. I love my husband, I really do, but he doesn’t understand mental health issues or issues with food. He works in a job that requires him to be physically fit for and also provides him with ample opportunities to work out. He thinks losing weight is as simple as exercising to burn the calories of the food you’ve eaten and just not eating too much chocolate/fatty foods. He really can’t comprehend that somebody would have these urges.

So for now, this is my place to out pour! I apologise in advance, I’m a bit of a rambler!

Nat x