Where The Eff & Jeff Has Women Empowerment Gone?

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This week is National Eating Disorder week and as it is a topic that is quite close to home for me.

I wish lots more could be done in schools to educate young girls’ minds (and boys)  to the reality of things away from Instagram perfection and glossy magazines that have Photoshopped to create this crazy, unrealistic idea of natural thick glossy hair, dewy skin, thigh gaps and Barbie sized waists.

My eating disorder doesn’t stem from these aspirations  and I’m not saying this is the cause of other people’s eating disorders. However even as a nearly 30 year old woman these body aspirations warp my image of what my body should look like. I hate how damaging this is for girls of this up and coming generation.

It horrified me to scroll across this particular article on my Facebook newsfeed yesterday about Vicky Pattison. Now, I love Vicky and always have since her Geordie Shore days (my guilty pleasure) She’s pretty hot property since being crowned Queen Of The Jungle in I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. She’s popping up on everything; This Morning, Loose Women and is even rumored to be a potential for X Factor hosting.

The article pictures her on her way to filming for Loose Women. I’m slightly embarrassed for the writer that this is considered to be journalism, albeit the word journalism is possibly used loosely being an article for The Sun.

The writer slates Vicky’s appearance and  her supposed “dishevelled” look after a night out.

“looked bloated and dishevelled”
“However, fast forward twelve hours and with her unsteady gait and greasy, unkempt hair she looked more like Shameless patriarch Frank Gallagher”

Vicky looked like she might have been nursing a sore head
Photo taken from The Sun. Credit: WENN©

Now, look at Vicky. Yes she might not be made up as she usually is, yes she might look a little tired. But, bloated? She is wearing a onsie designed to be loose fitting to wear after applying fake tan. I know I can’t vouch for the other 3.52 billion woman in the World but occasionally from time to time this women gets bloated too. Sometimes I may have eaten a lot, sometimes I might be due on… it happens and I’m pretty sure it happens to most women. I really am failing to see the bloating here and it pains me that a girl of Vicky’s size (6? 8?) is being showcased as bloated to a market of impressionable young girls.

Aside from the bloating remarks, look at Vicky’s face. She is stunning and I would gladly  look like that after a heavy night out. She is natural and bare faced and the article insinuates that she looks rough unless her usual heavily made up self.

Vicky looked her normal glam self at the launch of Towie star James Locke's restaurant
Photo from The Sun. Credit: Goff Photos©

Vicky isn’t everybody’s cup of tea. She’s fiesty, loud and whilst she freely admits she enjoys a drink she has a rep as a party girl (I wasn’t much different many, many moons ago!) But regardless of who this article is about, it’s the what it’s about that bothers me.

The biggest kicker? This article was written by a woman. A fellow woman from the sister-hood of womanly woman-ness. I want to shout into the sky and stamp my feet on the ground. Where the Eff n Jeff is women empowerment? Or does celebrating a woman being natural and not living up to the Instagram Dream of Valencia filters  not create good headlines?

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Who Am I Now?

For the last maybe year and a half? I’ve been trying to find that person I was before kids. Before the easy-comfy-mum wardrobe kicked in, before 6am was wake up rather than bed time.

I longed to find that person again, she was confident, impulsive, head strong, carefree. She’d accessorize her outfit, she wore heels and she shaved her legs far more regularly.

It’s finally dawned on me, I will never find that person again.
Not because having kids means you become somebody different or because having kids makes you boring or the opposite of any of the qualities I listed above.
But because that girl, was just that; A girl.
Jeez, I was 21 when I gave birth to my eldest. No wonder I have no idea who that person is now. At nearly 30, I definitely don’t want to be my 21 year old self. My God, I had fun and have zillions of memories of that carefree life but I wouldn’t want to be that girl again.

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It dawned on me though,as approach 30, that I don’t really know who thirty-year-old-Nat is. I spent my entire 20s, almost, being a mother. I’ve been self-employed and worked in a small, family office or from home for almost 8 years. I don’t have a Work-Natalie and a Mummy-Natalie.  They’re the same person, juxtaposed together and trying to balance it all.

Before I turn 30 I  aim to try and establish who I am now, aside from the mother title. One thing I do know is that I no longer wish to be that girl before I had kids. She wasn’t the same person I am now. Stronger, smarter, wiser.

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Living with Ed *contains some explicit language*

I know I said in my last post that I didn’t want this blog to be all about my, you know, *whispers* eating issues. However it is a big part of me and deserves some coverage at the start of this blog.

I still struggle to say the words ‘eating disorder’ even typing them makes me pause. A friend of mine refers to it as ED when talking and blogging about it. I’m never sure if she was referring to it as E.D or as Ed, like this arsehole of a guy, but I liked it and it stuck with me.

So what is it like living with Ed? Ed can be a bit of a dick.

He hits you when your down.
He takes control of every situation.
He makes you think he’s your friend, but really he’s not.

You know when you’re at a party and you just want to chat to friends and nonchalantly nibble at the buffet? Well Ed is like that friend who gets a bit drunk and then you have to take care of. Suddenly the evening is spent thinking about Ed and Ed controlling you.

Ed really is a wanker.

 

 

20 Facts About Me

I thought, as a little insight to me, I’d share 20 random facts about myself, some informative, some probably pretty random!

I’d love to see your 20 facts!

1) I’m petrified of feathers and things that flap. I can handle ducks, parrots and penguins as long as they don’t flap near me. Loose feathers and chickens though…. 😦

2) I no longer have a gallbladder.

3) I was selectively mute for almost the whole of my first year at primary school.

4) I’m married and have 2 boys, 1 cat and 1 dog.

5) I am awful at maths, the mere thought of having to calculate the cost of splitting something sends me into a panic.

6) I love to do lists. I have a list for everything; work, personal life, going away. The satisfaction of ticking something off is amazing.
7) When I was younger I wanted to be an author, then a vet, then an author again.
I had a bit of a thing about being a tennis player because I liked the outfit, despite having no interest or talent in tennis.

8) I spend far too much time on Pinterest and have ideas that involve Waashi Tape for almost every room in my house.

9) I once worked out with Mr Motivator in a tent at a festival.

10) I’ve moved house 16 times.
(it used to excite me, it now pains me!)

11) I love Grease 2 and know all the words to the songs

12) I went to Vegas for our honeymoon

13) I pretty much relate something to “That time on Friends when…” on a weekly basis and always quote things from the show.

14) I have stupid UK 6.5 size feet. 6s in heels are too tight, 7s are too big and I walk like a 3 year old in their mum’s heels. 6.5 heels are never really 6.5

15) (Starting to struggle!) I’m a Sagittarius. I think I fit the profile for a Saggie.

16) I’m naturally really shy. However people never see this (as I’ve got older). I think I over compensate for it at times.

17) I’m not really girly, I want to get my nails done, but also drive fast cars and set fire to stuff.

18) I’ive suffered from eczema since a toddler and it’s never really gone away

19) I wish I could sing. I love to sing but I’m about as good at singing as toddlers are tidying.

20) I nearly threw up behind Prince William when suffering from morning sickness when pregnant with my first born.

I’d love to hear yours, so please share!

Nat x

 

 

First things first…

Hi, my name is Natalie and I have an eating disorder.

There, I said it. It feels so weird to see those words finally written down but it needs to come out.

I’ve never really talked to anybody about my problems with eating and food, mostly through fear that they won’t really understand it and saying those 5 words out loud feels impossible. I’m just me, eating disorders are things that happen to other people, not me? I don’t starve myself, I don’t force myself to be sick or take laxatives to control my weight. I do the complete opposite, I binge. I’m not just talking about having a few sneaky biscuits in the evening or maybe an extra packet of crisps because I was feel a bit naughty, I really, really binge. It’s like I’m not really in control of myself when it happens and before I know it; 10 biscuits, 2 bits of cake, 4 spoons of chocolate spread, a bag of crisps or two and a piece of toast saturated in butter have all passed my lips in around 5-10 minutes. I’d specifically purchase food to purge on when I knew I’d be on my own, but usually these things would be devoured in the car io the way home leaving me searching for my next fix when I got back. Every ounce of willpower seems to escape me in these moments.

I know it doesn’t sound like your regular idea of an eating disorder and for years I convinced myself I was just greedy and had no control, until I realised hiding wrappers and making excuses for where something has gone isn’t entirely normal. One day I Googled ‘binge eating’ and the first page to come up was an NHS page for Binge Eating Disorder, also known by it’s acronym BED.

This was an actual disorder? The description definitely sounded like me, could I really have an eating disorder though?

For the next year this played in my mind every time I had a binge session this thought played on my mind. Do I have a problem? Maybe I should talk to somebody?

Fast forward to May 2015 and I feel like I’m at my worst yet. I hate the way I look at the moment, I’m pretty sure I’m at my heaviest yet, I can’t fit into half my summer clothes and I just feel in a vicious cycle. The more I hate myself the more I eat and in turn the more I hate myself! I feel pretty out of control with a few aspects of my life right now and I think somewhere in my crazy little mind the one thing I can control is the giant Dairy Milk bar I have just devoured in the car on my way home.

This week I decided to find some forums and blogs for other people who suffering from Binge Eating Disorder, after reading through some of them I saw and cried! Every one of these people wrote things that were exactly how I felt which is what brings me to starting this blog. I’m not looking to give advice or become some kind of ED guru, yeesh I barely know what I’m going through myself or why most days! I’m looking to use this as my own cathartic method or getting out how I feel and hopefully sharing my experiences with other BED people. It’s not something I have spoken about with friends or family. I just don’t know if they’d get it. I love my husband, I really do, but he doesn’t understand mental health issues or issues with food. He works in a job that requires him to be physically fit for and also provides him with ample opportunities to work out. He thinks losing weight is as simple as exercising to burn the calories of the food you’ve eaten and just not eating too much chocolate/fatty foods. He really can’t comprehend that somebody would have these urges.

So for now, this is my place to out pour! I apologise in advance, I’m a bit of a rambler!

Nat x